I am finally done for the semester and free to enjoy this summer. I’m marking tomorrow, May 20th, as the first day of my summer. I want to let go of everything that has happened in the past and move on, completely.
I fell for someone so quickly, recklessly, and insistently. He was the only guy I could trust, and he made me feel safe. He looked after me and was even there the morning after I betrayed him. He lost all trust for me, even though I still trusted him. He meant so much to me, but only silence follows us now. My heart is broken again and it won’t stop breaking. When am I ever going to be able to say that I am okay? When will this pain go away?
All I want is for him to know that I wish I could take anything that caused him pain back. I learned so much from him, and he has no idea that he saved me from the disaster that I was approaching. I was too persistent, and I should have let him go when he asked me to. I didn’t feel like I could completely cut him out of my life. He doesn’t want to hear from me, and I’m taking a risk by writing this now.
Will he ever realize how he broke my heart? We were soul mates. I felt the incredible connection between us deep inside me, but we cannot be together. Why? I want to know. I miss him every single day and I would run to him if I could, but his arms wouldn’t be open. He’s probably wondering, “Why won’t you let me go? Just let me grow.” I promise that I will, but why am I in so much pain? It’s because I know that I destroyed EVERYTHING. I hope that you can forgive me, and maybe I’ll hear from you one day. I’m praying for that day, but I have to say goodbye for now.
Once again, I come to this blog broken and bitter. I cannot understand why I never seem to find the ‘right’ guy. I feel like I have made too many mistakes and that my wounds have only gotten deeper.
I went into a relationship without being healed from the one before. I want to keep running the race so I can find the ‘right’ guy for me. I always think he’s the first option I see. Why? Because I am desperate for attention from males. I crave their desire for me. It is so wrong and deceptive. How do I move on from here?
Oh, yeah… there’s a Savior who loves me. My husband needs to look like Him. He will be full of unconditional love, grace, and I won’t see him coming. He will come into my life and sweep me off my dirty feet. He will be my prince charming. He will save me from what I ‘want’. He won’t disrespect me. He will love me for who I am on the inside. After all, isn’t that what our Lord does for us?
I am more than the choices that I’ve made. I’ve been remade. I’ve been given new life, and I will seek the Lord above everything. Christ will lead me to the man that will make me smile for the rest of my life. He will heal me and hold me until this storm is over. He will clean my wounds and heal me from the inside out. He will love me with an everlasting love that will lead me to the altar with my Savior and prince charming by my side.
#boldblooms on tape. can’t wait to get using this on well, everything. (at kate spade new york)
Lanvin Fall 2013
Photo: Marcus Tondo/InDigitalteam/GoRunway.com
Street Style: Paris Fashion Week
Photographed by Phil Oh